DarK AnGeL

tired eyes.. lost soul.. confusing emotions.. wounded heart.. some of the things that i kept with me this past few months.. sadness build up inside me like a mountain in the sky.. everything is a mess in my life and i really dont know how to put it ryt. i’ve let go but i feel empty.. ive loved but i feel betrayed. why cant i just be happy? why is it hard to be happy? why did you have to lie? you left me in a dreadful place.. an empty space.. a blackhole.. i need to get out.. i need to be free. Ive been fighting emotions that is taller than me.. i’ve been running from hurt avoiding the dreadful cry.. ive loved you but you just let it all go by.. I know ill never gonna win this battle.. but now you cant hurt me enimore.. im ending the dilemma.. id rather be hurt by someOne else than be hurt by you..

weird aman. nagsusulat na ko d2 kanina biglang nawala baka mai mumu sa computer ko hahahaha.. e2 naman c kyla kasi nag iingay sa kakakanta ng love will lead you back. hahahaha… hmm aun and2 ako to pour out mah self once again.. dami dami nanyari this past few months d co alam kung yung mga pangyayaring eh naka tulong sakin at indi nakasama lang.. tagalog ang blog ko feeling ko nabobo na kong mag english =) hahahaha. Masasabi mo ba sa sarili mo na nagbago ka as a person dahil sa mga pangyayari sa buhay o katulad ka din ng ibang mga tao na nagpapadala lang? cguro if ur gonna ask me dun ako sa first option. nagbago nga ako dahil sa mga pangyayari.. May minahal (wow past tense totoo ba yan?) ako super pure, unstained if ya wanna call it that wei, not knowing that that person is not bein down right honest wiv me.. sabi nga nila db what started in chaos will end in chaos aun! tumpak nga cla. napaka short lived nung rel pero my heart was crashed ng sObra, umiyak ako hanggang maubos na ang luha sa mundo, indi ako nakabalik sa trabaho dahil lugmok ako sa kalungkutan kung cnu cnung tao na ang iniyakan ko. Pinilit kong makalimot sa lahat ng parran na alam ko, pero gano ba kalakas ang kapangyarihan ng pag.ibig kahit ako indi ko alam.. During those times na pinipilit kong makalimot may mga tao akong nasaktan along the way. may isang tao na tinuturing ko na pinaka malapit na kaibigan ang nawasak ko ang puso. may mga kaibigan din na nawala o lumayo ang loob sakin. Talo ako sa bandang huli dahil yung puso ko yung pangalan pa rin ng taong mahal ko ang sinisigaw.. hanggang isang araw bumalik cxa (may tama din pala toh si kyla sa mga kanta nya) inamin nyang mahal nya daw ako, pero pano yung tao na karelasyon nya? cxempre inisantabi yung taong karelasyon ko na isantabi din.. maayos ang lahat sa simula.. lumalaban kahit pag.ibig lang ang sandata.. ngunit hanggang kailan lalaban ang puso? hanggang kailan maghihintay sa kinabukasan na pinangako? napapagod na ba ang puso ko? o natatakot lang ako sa kahihinatnan ng bukas? pano kung yung mahal mo dun na ngayon tumatakbo sa dating kaibigan na nasaktan moh. pano pag nalaman nya na yung tao na malapait na nyang mahalin ay karelasyon ng taong nanakit sa kanya.. kakayanin ko ba na manakit ng isang kaibigan sa pangalawang pagkakataon? Ngunit kakayanin ko din bah na mawala yung taong mahal ko? indi ko alam.. At para lalong gumulo ang mundo merong isang taong nagpupuno ngayon ng pagmamahal na hinahanap ko mula sa taong mahal ko. Pano ko aaminin sa sarili ko at sa taong mahal ko na.. Na may namumuong pag.ibig ngeon para sa tao na toh.. Na kaya nyang pantayan kung ano man ang meroN kami. Ngunit ang tanong kaya nya nga bah? ang mga tanong sa isip ko nasa puso nila ang kasagutan.. pamura lang ng isang! POOOOTAHHH hahahahahaha ayOKo na ang gugulo ng buhai natin..

change topic may season 2 na kaya ng heroes?

tulog na lang ako may lakad pa bukas

sabayan pa ng bagong sakit n dumapo sakin punyeta! itulog ko na nga lang lahat..

CRAP!!!!

im alone in the coldness of the night so full of nothingness., mah spirit is crashed and mah heart is lonely., im in a limbo of emptiness., and i dont know how to find mah wei back home.

im taking refuge in the darkness. tryin to find solace in silence., and in a gloomy day like this i cant help but reminisce in the memory  of once having a sunshine in mah Life.

but whether we like it or not., we need to accept the fact that reality do bites and we need to swallow the fu*kin pain that it caused., as the sOng goes *singIng* "and if yah live by the rules of its over then im sure that, that makes sense" but almost doesnt count., they fu*kin dOnt.,

but still., there’s so many things in mah sick head and its makin me sicker., i can say that im goin cuckOo., askin mah self questions like.. should mah honesty be repaid wiv lies? should mah openness be exchanged wiv rudeness? im kindda like wonderin what im doin wrong., people do say trials is makin me a hardcore., but deep inside i know im still vulnerable.,

its clear to me as well that ive made a mess of LiFe and i dont know how to put it right. or perhaps., LiFe has made a mess of me.. hmmm but NO., thats the excused ive always used., but its not true. i allow things to happen instead of controlling them. Like this loneliness and emptiness for instance., i dont wanna be here in this situation but i am here..

i know i deserve more than this., but i really miss her hair in mah face., and the way her innocence taste., and ya i do admit im not over her yet.,

For now i prefer the peacefulness of feeling nothing., For every up there’s a down., And i hate the sadness of disappointment.,

So.. im gettin rid of it., aLL of it.,

NatNat ChoCoLatE: ok lng
NatNat ChoCoLatE: bnbsa ko
NatNat ChoCoLatE: hba e
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lam mo na sagot mo jan
NatNat ChoCoLatE: hnd mo na dapat mag ask sa knino tao
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
Liah: kung alam ko mench d ako magtatanong eh
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
NatNat ChoCoLatE: u have to let go
NatNat ChoCoLatE: alam mo nmn masasaktan k lng eh
NatNat ChoCoLatE: anu ka panakip butas
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
Liah: sinasabi mo ba yan mench dahil
NatNat ChoCoLatE: magtino kna kc
Liah: from the start u never like her
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
Liah: see
NatNat ChoCoLatE: gagu k buh
NatNat ChoCoLatE: nagtatanong ka sakin
NatNat ChoCoLatE: tpos
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ako titirahin mo
Liah: mench what i mean is
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ayaw ko na mag advice
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ni wala nga ako
Liah: its not that
NatNat ChoCoLatE: u know
Liah: natnat
Liah: alrty im sorry
NatNat ChoCoLatE: wag ako
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ang alam ko
NatNat ChoCoLatE: sna nung una plng
NatNat ChoCoLatE: hnd na kau ng ganyan gnyan
NatNat ChoCoLatE: alam mo nmn pupuntahan nagmamatigas k ng ulo
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ohh anu
NatNat ChoCoLatE: may napala ka buh ngaun??
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
Liah: mench
Liah: lumalapit ako as a friend
Liah: if uLL see thru me
Liah: u can never imagine how sad i am
Liah: i know from the start pa lang you never like her
NatNat ChoCoLatE: sira
NatNat ChoCoLatE: d ko sinab
Liah: but for the sake of mah hapinees
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ayaw ko sknya
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ang sab ko ayaw ko ng gnyan rel
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ok
NatNat ChoCoLatE: d ko xa kilala
Liah: hapiness**
NatNat ChoCoLatE: panu ko aayawan duhhh
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ewan ko
NatNat ChoCoLatE: sau matigas ulo
NatNat ChoCoLatE: bhala ka
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
Liah: natnat pls
Liah: i wanna be with her
Liah: pero its so hard
NatNat ChoCoLatE: then be it
Liah: i dOnt knOw what tO dO
NatNat ChoCoLatE: wag ka daing ng daing
NatNat ChoCoLatE: sabi ko let go
NatNat ChoCoLatE: mo tapos
NatNat ChoCoLatE: well
NatNat ChoCoLatE: das all i can say
NatNat ChoCoLatE: bhala ka magde ide
Liah: if uLL decide foe me
Liah: ?
Liah: uLL Let gO??
NatNat ChoCoLatE: uhuh
NatNat ChoCoLatE: i did that once
NatNat ChoCoLatE: foe ur own good
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
NatNat ChoCoLatE: so
NatNat ChoCoLatE: let go
NatNat ChoCoLatE: f u dnt wanna get hurt
Liah: im hurtin
Liah: hahaha =)
NatNat ChoCoLatE: d hell
NatNat ChoCoLatE: whoa ever man
NatNat ChoCoLatE: bhala ka matanda kna
NatNat ChoCoLatE: dami mo rason
NatNat ChoCoLatE: kung gus2 mdami praan
NatNat ChoCoLatE: kung ayaw mdami dahilan
Liah: either ways mench its still gonna hurt
Liah: but
Liah: im not selfish
NatNat ChoCoLatE: well alam mo kung san ka dapat lumugar
NatNat ChoCoLatE: nakakasakit ung ulo
NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol
NatNat ChoCoLatE: grabe
NatNat ChoCoLatE: bahala ka
NatNat ChoCoLatE: bsta sinab ko na sau
NatNat ChoCoLatE: at pnayuhan kna ni ate
Liah: i understand
Liah: uve let me go.. for mah own good.
Liah: now is the time
Liah: for me to let go of her
Liah: for mah own gOod
Liah: it iLL hurr foR sure..
NatNat ChoCoLatE: uhuh
Liah: but ya. i guess ya folks are ryt
NatNat ChoCoLatE: so u know whoa m talkin bout now
Liah: i know
Liah: im sOrry. im cryin eh
NatNat ChoCoLatE: ok lng
Liah: i cant type well
NatNat ChoCoLatE: iyakin k nmn e
NatNat ChoCoLatE: d ka nagmana skn
NatNat ChoCoLatE: deym
NatNat ChoCoLatE: hahaha
Liah: ive changed
Liah: akala mOH
Liah: uLL never recognized if ever uLL come back
Liah: recognized me i mean**
NatNat ChoCoLatE: why
Liah: ive changed a lOt over the past few years
NatNat ChoCoLatE: uhuh
+end of message retrival+

+tuesday may 29 2007+

hmmm base sa title ng blOg sa palagai kO alam mO na kung anong tOpic ng pOst..

well hmm gustO kO lang pO e-sHare what im feelin right nOw cOz its really kindda weird.. akO kasi yung type ng taO na ayaw ma put sa isang situation na indi kO alam ang gagawin i just lOathe thOse kind of things.. ayun nga po just recently ive committed mah self intO a wrOng type of relatiOnship..

well hmm literally it is wrOng… i dOnt have the right tO cOntest tO Other peOple’s OpiniOn.. ive let gO of the persOn already knOwing nga na kahit umpisa pa lang ive never been cOmfOrtable sa rel. lOOkin back ive realized hOw  fOOlish it is. first Of aLL ive tried mah best to be ya knOw to be perfect para sa kanya.. well ive reached out. extended the best effOrt para mapunuan ung mga baGai na wuala akO.. but well tO make the lOng story shOrt, it still no enough.. so there the relationship ended no hard feelinGs.. i still consider her as One of mah friends.. well not really friends more like of a aquintance.. naiisip ko cxa once in a while kasi kahit panO she’s been a part of mah Life na rin naman.. well i even let her nOw kung namimiss ko cxa or sOmethin.. indi ko naman masabi na minahal kO cxa as in totOong mahal coz the relationship was shOrt lived.. but i admire her though.. so aun im settled wiv mah own liFe.. gOt fOcus wiv mah work again.. ive stOpped lOsin weight cOz im not that puyat na.. i started dating aGain.. met sOmeone.. gOt intimate,then i vanished in the thin air ng alang sabi sabi. ngeOn im dating ulit.. yada yada yada.. u knOw back to mah Old seLf..

perO kanina.. nakita ko na naman ung hmm yung cxa.. well grabe un impact na kahit akO na surprised dun sa emotiOns that started to fiLL in.. yung heart ko biglang sumikip.. i cant breathe.. ive felt that i wanna be wiv her and im missin her sO badLy na pagnakita ko cxa maiiyak lang akO and be speechless.. then ive asked mah self.. is that lOve.. kasi ang alam ko i never really lOve her.. its just surprisin hOw can mah heart fOOl me.. naguguluhan akOh.. 

aun… nakakawala ng energy..

is that lOve? regret? ego? or nanghihinayang lang akO..

well whatever it is i dOnt Like this feelin..

and i dOnt want it inside mah heart..

iah: may sasabihin akOh

NatNat ChoCoLatE: nu un

iah: hmm

iah: lagi akOh napunta ng bench

iah: kasO mO suMmer kasi ngeOn d2

NatNat ChoCoLatE: uhuh

iah: kaya alang jacket

iah: sOri.. punta nga akO ng gateway ala din

NatNat ChoCoLatE: memory card nlng

iah: ala din eh

iah: memOry card?

NatNat ChoCoLatE: yoko n jacket

iah: ng mObile pHone?

NatNat ChoCoLatE: sa cellphone

iah: ayaw mO na ng Jacket?

NatNat ChoCoLatE: uhuh

iah: mObile pHone nga.

NatNat ChoCoLatE: wag n un

NatNat ChoCoLatE: uu

iah: anOng klase?

iah: daming memOry chuva ek ek eh

NatNat ChoCoLatE: pra sa nokia 63 30

iah: oLrytie. un la lungz dustO mOh?

NatNat ChoCoLatE: uhuh

iah: spOiled naman n2

iah: :))

NatNat ChoCoLatE: slamat

NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol

iah: ur welcOme mahO

NatNat ChoCoLatE: hehe

iah: indi ka nah galit sakin huh

iah: bati na tau

NatNat ChoCoLatE: bsta umaayos k

iah: maayOs akOH

Danesse Visey:

NatNat ChoCoLatE: huh

NatNat ChoCoLatE: uhuh

iah: hmm

iah: merOn akOng nalaman

iah: d kO sasabihin

NatNat ChoCoLatE: nu uhn??

iah: bakit alam ni beb pangalan mOH?

iah: sabi nya ang ex mO bah name jm.

iah: sabi kOh oo

iah: indi ko alam kunG pano nya nalaman

iah: hmm..

iah: un lang mahO

NatNat ChoCoLatE: d ko dn lam

NatNat ChoCoLatE: lol

iah: hmm

iah: weird

iah: by the wei maho iwan na kita

NatNat ChoCoLatE: ok

iah: iingat kita jan.

NatNat ChoCoLatE: hehe

iah: ka pala jan. bulol amp

NatNat ChoCoLatE: u too

ok. its up for you to choose..
no commitment but i’ll take care of you,
or you want to commit yourself with me.
Sender:  BeB
+63917*******
Sent: 11:19:12am
04.13.2007

stupid ba koh.
cxempre ill choose the 2nd option
Sender: lia
+63922******
Sent:11:25:46am
04.13.2007

Ok.
Sender: BeB
+63917*******
Sent: 11.28.29am
04.13.2007

that’s how the new chapter of mah life begun..
i know its never gonna be easy..
well i never expect it to be easy..
but i know beb will help me understand..
and she’ll be there to protect me..
ill take one step at a time..

commitment is a big word.
but i rather swallow the big word rather than take the easy life and be unhappy
sometimes iniisip ko pa rin..
bakit cxa?
and how come ive fallen inlove so fast..
will this last?
ive trust beb with mah life now..
iLl know will make it together..

hi there.. im so damn bored as of this time. pang apat na araw ko na toh na na nagstay sa house. i really need a breather. gusto ko na rin pumasok sa work kaya lang ang kinakatakot ko indi na naman kami mag kakaintindihan lalo ng mga amerikano na toh kasi naman ngongo pa koh. well nagkasakit kasi akoh eh sabi ng doctor ang impression nya raw is asthmatic bronchitis :)) haha katawa naman si doc oh pambihira. hmm basically indi naman talaga yan ang reason kung baki ang nagsusulat sa blog ko todei. well first and foremost is hmm well i feel a little bit sad coz one of mah friend is really mad at me. well i had to admit that it is mah fault but then again sometimes people close to us say things that hurt us eventough those things doesnt mean to hurt them . yun lang ang pagkakamali ko i should have been more careful with mah words lalo na d k alam kung nakakasakit ako o indi. well to that person i extend mah apology. sorry talaga ha. hmm ano pa bah well im happy i found freedom at last. freedom from within coz finally now ive decided kung ano gusto ko sa buhay ko ngeon. i dont feel lost anymore. all of mah questions are answered. wanna thank those people who help me see things in a different perspective. salamat po mga kabatak:)) jOke.

well hmm what else. i had a haircut i let mah brother cut it with a blade nipuyatan namin kagabi hanggang 1am :)) okei lang shortie shortie na ako ngeon pero hahaba din aman yan and tsaka ahLabit naman eh. ahihihi..

isang araw na pala akong indi nagsusuot ng nosePin pambihrang kangkong pahirapan nanaman toh! ahihihi hanggang dito na lang muna okei. nood pa koh teevee. bye ! ciao!ciao!

there are may things in life that ive wished ive never known. one day ull wake up and ull realize new things that is significant in your life though y0u never choose to have it or be like it.

matagal na panahon na rin na confuse ako kung san ba tagal ako lulugar sa buhay seems like i was never cotented in what i am now. not until i finally watch a movie na napakalaki tagal ng impact sakin. i realize thats there’s nothin wrong with what i wanted to be. its up to other people if they will accept me or not.

sarap sa pakiramdam na sa sarili moh alam mo na kung ano talaga ang gusto moh.

this will be one of the most memorable day in mah life.

from here… iLL start a new..

There are times,,
When im lying in my bed how i fellow and cry from this stupid game
And my eyes,,are like windshields on the rainy day
Almost rubbed out,,swelling as i keep on……
Digging my face in this cold house of mine
Heaven knows how im bitter…..i am

Chorus:

‘coz this angel has flown away from me
Livin’ me in drunk and misery
I should have cleared them all
And made them mine for all eternity

Now this angel has flown away from me
Thought i had a strenght to set her free
It what i did because i love her so
Will she ever find her way back home to me….ohhhh….

I’m so tired,
I feel like catching for the rings
Being up all night in this elbow room
That puts me in a trash
( where hopes and dreams come true…)

Now my lips,,are burning
And my eyes,, are hurting
From this tears i made still i lie to nother
Cigarettes just to pass my timor
Heaven knows how im bitter…..i am..

Chorus:

‘coz this angel has flown away from me
Livin’ me in drunk and misery
I should have cleared them all
And made them mine for all eternity

Now this angel has flown away from me
Thought i had a strenght to set her free
It what i did because i love her so
Will she ever find her way back home to me….ohhhh….

Uhhhhhhh

<center><style>.hov{background-color:#efeffa}:hover{background-color:#e1e1f4}</style><div id="Title" style="font:bold 11px verdana"><a class="hov" style="display:block;width:350px;border:solid 2px #3d3fa0;padding:5px" href="http://www.placevideo.com/o/orange_and_lemons/heaven_knows.html" target="_blank">ORANGE AND LEMONS - Heaven Knows<p><embed name="RAOCXplayer" src="http://www.placevideo.com/o/orange_and_lemons/heaven_knows.asx" type="application/x-mplayer2" width="350" height="300" autoplay="true" ShowControls="1" ShowStatusBar="0" loop="true" EnableContextMenu="0" DisplaySize="0" pluginspage="http://www.microsoft.com/Windows/Downloads/Contents/Products/MediaPlayer/"></embed></a><p style="margin:3px 0px"><div align=center><a href="http://www.placevideo.com" target="_blank">Video Code provided by PlaceVideo.com</a><br><a href="http://www.oldielyrics.com" target="_blank">See Lyrics @ OldieLyrics.com</a></p></div></center>